Thursday, January 31, 2008

Just another Monday
In the first six months Mondays were always the most difficult day
I also don't think anybody goes through grief in quite the same way because nobody ever has the exact same circumstances. I guess I always thought of grief as sadness, now I know grief can be much more. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing at times. Maybe sometimes grief wants to be heard no matter how well we maintain or how many months have past. One Monday I walked into her office. It matters not who she was, just that, she had lost her husband years before. I cried quiet gasping spasms at first, which slowed at some point to a slow outpouring of tears. Because you go on day-to-day doing what you know you must and people see you and don’t say anything. But it’s in you and no matter whom else is in your life or what you’re accomplishing you just want your grief to be heard. Your closest friend may not really know grief, but they know you need to survive so they will give you large amounts of positive reinforcement and a lover wants to ease your pain and may do so for a brief time with unselfish tenderness. But only the person who has packed away the cloths and drove them to the salvation army, packed away the personal belonging that did not seem to cry out to be given away to this friend or that relative. Then carried that box out too storage because you could not throw out anything else, that day. Only that person will let you cry and say nothing with word but their eyes will say everything they will say “yes you can grieve”. And when you’re done they will let you walk out with out a word but a simple thank you
In 2001, my second wife was diagnosed with lung cancer two and a half years before she passed. We both were realistic about the outcome but we/she lived each day as if we knew not that outcome. We both thought “Plan the plan not the results was a great tool. We both believed people are spiritual beings having human experiences. She kept up with her pursuit of a double major till the last month of her life often taking as many as 19 credits. We both believed in altruism and were very involved in the community. We viewed death as a portal into the next adventure. I think in hindsight we both did pre-grieving. I remember one time after we had started dating we were at a gift shop and she was looking at post cards. She was crying very softly and started I ask what was wrong. She said she would miss her little dog “Baby Dog” when he passed. I said while baby dog was not young he had many years she said she knew she was just pre grieving.
She could cry over commercials on TV, she cried when she was happy or sad. She was very expressive and in touch with her feelings. It was one of the great things about her.
So while I had many days when the grief seemed crushing I just did my best to keep on keeping on because after all that's what she did.I did my crying in the morning in the shower often having to sit down and just let the water and grief pour over me but then I would get dressed and meet the day. While I miss her terribly at times I know her spirit has gone on.I need no signs because we believed faith was not knowing the spirit can but knowing the spirit will. I also have all the love still in my heart because love never dies and the memories are gifts which I shall always have. Our ten years together was wonderful and while I can wish we had had a hundred more I know I have many years ahead to learn the lessons I will need to learn when it is my time too move on.